I’d like to think I have a little bit of Olivia Pope in me. Some of the good bits at least. The gladiator in a suit, truth seeking, don’t put your head in the sand, good bits. I have a dress in my wardrobe someone called an Olivia Pope dress one day. I wear it when I need to feel like a gladiator. This week….I had one of those days. It was also 75 degrees (it’s definitely a spring/summer dress) so I pulled that bad boy out of my closet and rocked it.
I typically don’t shy away from the truth. I would much rather hear an ugly truth than a pretty lie. I would rather someone accept me for who I truly am instead of some fake version of myself. So I’m at a loss when I’ve found a truth I’ve been seeking and part of me wishes I hadn’t turned over that rock. But there’s no going back, that pile of worms is out there in the open now.
My gut instincts with people are usually spot on. I hate to be quick to judge on people, but usually my gut doesn’t steer me wrong. More often than not, I’ve ignored my gut feelings only to have them prove me right later on. When your gut keeps feeding you the same question over and over, it’s not that you’re being paranoid, it’s that your gut is telling you something you should no longer ignore. It can be hard to step into the light to see if there is truth to your gut feelings. But in the end, it’s always better to know that not, right?
I’ve never felt like I currently do. I was not raised to stick my head in the sand. I was taught to embrace reality no matter how hard the truth is. And I sit here with this mound of information that keeps growing, because I keep uncovering more. It’s a train wreck that I can’t take my eyes off of. I’m at a crossroads when it comes to what to do with it. Is confrontation really going to get me anywhere? Is it going to make me feel better? Will I get closure? Do I need closure? OR can I just let it go and remove it all from my life? Can I put a giant cinder block wall up as a boundary and block off all that there was of this part of life and move forward? I don’t know, to be honest. I still haven’t figured that part out. Only time will tell. Time heals all; I guess for now I’m just okay floating along with this barge full of crap I’ve accumulated. But I can’t drag this shit around for too much longer, because I know it’s taking up precious space and wasting my time.
If you’re out there reading this, I don’t want you to think I’m in this awful state of mind. I’m pretty neutral when it comes to my feelings on it all. Although I’ve lost count of the times I’ve said WTF about it. I see no reason to waste energy on being angry, sad, or any other emotion. I admit that my mind keeps over analyzing the information, which is a waste of my time. But that is slowly coming to a halt as time continues to pass. At least for now I can commit to looking forward, away from the train wreck, and not creating on-looker delays. It is not my problem, it is not my monkey, and it is not my circus!