This is probably the most personal post I’ve put out here on the blog. I don’t like to get into the nitty gritty personal details with random strangers or even with the majority of people I know. BUT some of my favorite blog posts from the people I follow are the ones that are the most personal. They’re posts discussing the good, the bad, and the ugly. They SCREAM “I’m NOT perfect.” And just like the Real World taught us it’s all about when people “Stop being nice and start being REAL.”
I wrote back at the beginning of the year, here, that I was finally starting to be a journey enjoyer, not a destination sprinter. Let me be honest, I am not enjoying this current journey I am on. I try not to focus on “where I’m at” but I’m frustrated like hell. I’m talking about my body, how much I weigh, what I look like, blah, blah, blah. To understand where I’m at, I think it’s important to discuss my journey that got me here.
I was never the skinny girl, going to be the flyer on the cheerleading squad. I was almost a 9 pound baby. I was healthy growing up. I wouldn’t say I was overweight, but an average size for my age and height. I never felt any pressure in middle school or high school to eat less or exercise to become skinny. I wasn’t ever worried about that stuff. You couldn’t pay me to run in those days, even if someone was chasing me. Here’s me in my senior pictures, almost 10 years ago.
When I got to college, I definitely put on the freshman 15, by the end of the 1st semester. I didn’t go to the gym, except for the step aerobics class I had that first semester. All those pokie sticks from gumby’s pizza, and chick-filet for lunch caught up with me. The summer after freshman year was the heaviest I had ever been.
The summer between freshman and sophomore year I started weight watchers and lost a little over 25 pounds. I started exercising (walking) and this combined with the restriction in calories helped the weight come off. I was eat lots of 100 calorie packs (what was I thinking!?) and not a lot of whole foods to meet my allotted points per day. But, hey, it worked. Here I am about September of 2007 after weight watchers.
Ignore the guy in the dress….it was for a fundraiser for Habitat for Humanity during Shack-a-thon at NC State!
I had some side effects from the weight loss. My endocrine system responded with some delayed cycles as a result, but I didn’t last more than 2 months. During the fall I put back 5 pounds, which was for the best. This is when I also started running.
Over the next couple of years of undergrad, my weight went up but not a lot and I wasn’t overly concerned. When I started grad school, I began training for a half marathon. I didn’t have any weight loss during training, but dropped about 10 pounds after the fact. I put it right back on immediately because I was stress eating all summer studying for the CPA exam.
My first busy season really did me in. I didn’t make smart choices when we ordered dinner every night. In January 2013 I decided I was going to do better during busy season, I was going to eat cleaner, and I was going to run a marathon by the end of the year. I was working out nearly every day. I was either running, going to kickboxing, or doing yoga. I don’t think I missed a day during busy season working out. I also followed the suggested calories in my fitness pal to start losing weight (1200-1550/day). On days with long runs I ate more to fuel, but most days I was hitting the mark. I also cut out all meat as of May 2013 and started avoiding dairy in July 2013. I lost about 20 pounds. Here’s a picture of me at my friends wedding (and this is not even at my lowest). When I look at this picture (now) I can recognize I look sick. But at the time (and sometimes when I see it) I felt great and loved how I looked.
I developed some health problems as a result of my marathon training and diet. My endocrine system shut down for over a year. Only after working with an endocrineologist for the last 6 months I was able to finally get things back on track. Just a couple of weeks ago I was given the final okay and its been 1.5 years since I ran the marathon and I have gained back every single pound I lost, and then some.
So this is where I’m at. I still run a couple times a week and as of the beginning of the year I started going to CrossFit. I have gained a lot of strength! On the other side I am beyond frustrated with how my clothes fit, the number on the scale, and how I look. I wouldn’t be so concerned with the number on the scale if my clothes fit. Part of me knows that I will never be able to fit in that black dress (above) again and I am sad, but the other part knows that I shouldn’t ever fit back into it because being that size wasn’t healthy. (Anyone out there that can fit in a size 2 Alfred Angelo Bridesmaid Dress send me your address!) Here’s a recent picture from sometime in late February 2015 where I’m trying to clean and jerk 65 pounds (not too bad for only doing CrossFit for a month or so.
I love to shop, but have avoided for the most part recently because things don’t fit, no matter what size I try on. I wish I could live in tanks and workout leggings. When I do go out and shop, I usually end up in tears in the flipping dressing room in frustration and leave empty handed. I don’t want to get back to the point of being too skinny again, but I definitely don’t like where I’m at. I’m having a hard time especially now that it’s summer and beach season (but at least I can wear tanks!). My goal of getting a pull up is inconsistent with my goal to fit into my shirts.I love all the progress I’ve made at the gym but I have to remember this is a journey… and skinny doesn’t always mean healthy.